Still haven't managed to process news of Mrs C's death. Reread M's email - they took her off life support yesterday. Not sure when the funeral is, nor how I can best be there for L. Sent her a text late on Sat, and emailed last night.
Was up 'til 4.30 this morning. Sat by myself in the dark with a whiskey. Sent a few proper emails, including a big one with snippets from this journal. Found an email from L from last week, when everything was fine, and she was looking forward to her US holiday with P.
Fuck. I don't know the right thing to say, to do, to write. I can't imagine what she must be going through. And there's nothing I can do to make it better. No hope that she'll pull through, no potential for a miracle. It's death. Fuck.
A few of us walked home after the market yesterday. Taking in Beijing by foot. Came to Tienanmen Square, and spent an hour or so there. Lots of police, security checks - in fact, one at every subway station. The square itself is massive, biggest in the world apparently. Lots of people milling around, including a few who wanted photos with us whiteys. Strangest of all are the two giant video screens, showing images of Chinese landscapes and Mao. Propaganda? Brain washing? Tourist campaign?
New hostel is a very hip backpacker place. Cheap pub in front, 10RMB for a big beer, nice food. Come to Beijing and never leave your hostel. Was exactly what we needed last night though - a chilled night. Jakes's leaving today actually, I hope I see him for a goodbye. We had a nice chat last night, I know we're not the same kind of person, he's far more of a leader, but we have a good understanding. I should look him up for a pint in Perth.
Pub played cheesy music like "I will survive" and a Grease medley. Pseudo-karaoke with Brigitte was good fun. Then all went to bed.
I think I have too much of a dependence on being needed. A need to be helpful. The great Catholic guilt, putting others first, even at the expense of my own well-being. Give away money, food, clothes - if someone else needs it, then why not?
This is why I'm find it so difficult with L - I have no idea how to help her, to make things better, to protect her. Instead I'm enjoying my holidays, drinking and sightseeing. It seems so callous, like I should be in mourning here.
All of which meant I wasn't great company this morning. Myself, Dom and Kelly went to the train station to book our tickets for Xi'an. The sleeper on the train we wanted was full, so we opted for "standing" tickets. Looking forward to seeing what that entails!
We took the subway out to the Summer Palace then, and had a wander around. It was like a giant collection of Oriental follies, but of course they are temples. There was so much potential for beauty, but the smog here just smothers all the colour. Every view is choked with grey. It's rather disgusting really - the back of my throat burns. Possibly also explains why the Chinese spit so much.
L just texted to say her mother passed peacefully.
Sitting in a Brazilian bar at the moment. Was aiming for an English pub, but it closed a year ago. Had to wander around the embassy district to try find it. Benin, USA, Japan, Slovenia... I was moved on from standing outside the Irish embassy!
http://domcheeseman.blogspot.ie/2011/10/day-116-beijing.html
Was up 'til 4.30 this morning. Sat by myself in the dark with a whiskey. Sent a few proper emails, including a big one with snippets from this journal. Found an email from L from last week, when everything was fine, and she was looking forward to her US holiday with P.
Fuck. I don't know the right thing to say, to do, to write. I can't imagine what she must be going through. And there's nothing I can do to make it better. No hope that she'll pull through, no potential for a miracle. It's death. Fuck.
***
A few of us walked home after the market yesterday. Taking in Beijing by foot. Came to Tienanmen Square, and spent an hour or so there. Lots of police, security checks - in fact, one at every subway station. The square itself is massive, biggest in the world apparently. Lots of people milling around, including a few who wanted photos with us whiteys. Strangest of all are the two giant video screens, showing images of Chinese landscapes and Mao. Propaganda? Brain washing? Tourist campaign?
***
New hostel is a very hip backpacker place. Cheap pub in front, 10RMB for a big beer, nice food. Come to Beijing and never leave your hostel. Was exactly what we needed last night though - a chilled night. Jakes's leaving today actually, I hope I see him for a goodbye. We had a nice chat last night, I know we're not the same kind of person, he's far more of a leader, but we have a good understanding. I should look him up for a pint in Perth.
Pub played cheesy music like "I will survive" and a Grease medley. Pseudo-karaoke with Brigitte was good fun. Then all went to bed.
***
I think I have too much of a dependence on being needed. A need to be helpful. The great Catholic guilt, putting others first, even at the expense of my own well-being. Give away money, food, clothes - if someone else needs it, then why not?
This is why I'm find it so difficult with L - I have no idea how to help her, to make things better, to protect her. Instead I'm enjoying my holidays, drinking and sightseeing. It seems so callous, like I should be in mourning here.
All of which meant I wasn't great company this morning. Myself, Dom and Kelly went to the train station to book our tickets for Xi'an. The sleeper on the train we wanted was full, so we opted for "standing" tickets. Looking forward to seeing what that entails!
We took the subway out to the Summer Palace then, and had a wander around. It was like a giant collection of Oriental follies, but of course they are temples. There was so much potential for beauty, but the smog here just smothers all the colour. Every view is choked with grey. It's rather disgusting really - the back of my throat burns. Possibly also explains why the Chinese spit so much.
***
L just texted to say her mother passed peacefully.
***
Sitting in a Brazilian bar at the moment. Was aiming for an English pub, but it closed a year ago. Had to wander around the embassy district to try find it. Benin, USA, Japan, Slovenia... I was moved on from standing outside the Irish embassy!
***
http://domcheeseman.blogspot.ie/2011/10/day-116-beijing.html
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